Friday, March 4, 2016

Soulmate

I have been thinking about the word soulmate a lot lately. The whole conversation came up the other night between my husband, Ryan, and I. I have been feeling pretty down lately concerning my weight. I know that most women can relate to having weight issues and feeling down about it. I have not always been overweight. In high school I was very thin. I never had to worry about what I ate. I was very active and could eat whatever I wanted. Ryan and I met when we were in elementary and started dating in high school. My husband met me when I was very thin. I competed in pageants and loved having big TEXAS hair and lots of makeup. I felt good about myself when I looked in the mirror. Ryan told me almost every day that he loved me and that I was beautiful.
After high school and into my twenties I was not as active as I was in high school and the college freshmen 10 pounds creeped up on me. I began to worry when I looked at pictures of myself. My friends and I would go to the football field and walk the track...and flirt with guys! I dropped the extra weight quickly and skipped the free ice cream in the dining hall. Problem fixed. Ryan and I got married when we were both in our early twenties. Our courtship period consisted of eating out a lot on date nights. My cooking skills were not that great in our first year of marriage so we tended to order out or eat junk. The pounds showed back up. I would eat salads and skip a few meals and the pounds disappeared. The weight was not a big issue. I had 2 of my boys at this time and quickly lost the baby weight. My weight was not a huge issue...yet. Ryan told me everyday he loved me and I was beautiful.

When I hit my 30's losing weight became a lot harder. I couldn't drop the weight with just skipping meals and eating salads. I turned to diet pills for a quick fix. The Addipex worked like a charm but I became unbearable to be around. Ryan put his foot down at that point and said no more pills. I started to gain my weight. I was busy as a mom, running here and there, but not working out. Our work schedules mixed with the boys schedules left me pooped and finding excuses not to work out. I began to feel hopeless about my weight. The icing on the cake came at 35...I got pregnant with Logan! I didn't have trouble losing the baby weight in my 20's but at 35 the baby weight did not melt away as easily. I would lose 20 pounds and gain 30 pounds...it was a roller coaster. I tried all the silly diets and was just plain miserable with myself and becoming a miserable person to be around. Ryan still told me every day he loved me and I was beautiful.
When the big 40 hit my weight was at its highest. I was eating right and working out and nothing!!! I went to the doctor and they found a thyroid problem. I take my medication but the weight is not coming off very quickly. It is coming off but s-l-o-w-l-y.. I wouldn't mind being this big if I was eating cheesecake and milkshakes, but I'm eating right and watching calories...it is just not fair at times. It is hard dealing with weight issues and I really appreciate how much my family tries to help me with my food choices. Ryan is always volunteering to walk with me and work out with me. Ryan tells me every day he loves me and that I am beautiful.
When I look in the mirror I think of a song from the movie Mulan... it says "who is that girl I see, staring straight back at me." I feel that way when I look in the mirror. My body has changed over the years. I use to love shopping for new clothes but I find that more and more I leave the dressing room and hide in my car and cry. I am getting ready to go on a cruise with my best friend, Sarah, for a week and was trying on bathing suits and I started to cry. Ryan hugged me and said, your too hard on yourself, I think you look beautiful. I said, "I love you for thinking I'm still beautiful". Ladies the next few words out of this man's mouth were beautiful...he said, "I love you no matter what, I married your soul not your shell." I melted into a puddle. I realized he loves me no matter what. I for sure married up!!! This man daily tells me he loves me and I'm beautiful and he means every word of it. My goal is to start looking in the mirror and seeing the woman he sees. I am going to stop hating this body and learning to love my body again. I have to remember what a miracle every stretch mark and pound is...this body carried 4 beautiful children. I am blessed to have a man who loves my soul and not just my shell. My soul is what matters to the ones I love the most not my shell. I am so blessed to have married my soulmate. I love you Ryan.

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