The date was April 16, 2000. I'd awoken pregnant at 6 am, and happily chased my two boys around and cooked breakfast. I remember thinking is this baby going to be a boy or girl? A few hours later my world came crashing down. I started that day with hopes and dreams for my unborn child and ended the day mourning the loss of my child.
I couldn't believe this was happening. I was filled with sadness. Ryan and I had prayed for this child, we were ready for this child, we needed this child...but God said, no.
Ryan and I had prayed about our decision to have another baby and we were so excited to add another child...we hoped it would be a sweet girl to add to our two boys. We were thrilled when we found out we were expecting and thanked God for our miracle. I prayed over this child every day. We hope our prayers will be answered in the way we desire, but it doesn't always happen.
I questioned why? Did I pray wrongly when I asked for a baby, or not prayed enough? Did I do something that may have hurt my child? Was I being punished for something? I was angry and sad. I realized quickly that God was the only one who could get me through it. I told myself daily that if God brings you to it he will see you through it.
The doctors told us to wait a few months and try again. We became pregnant with our Trenton right away when we began trying again. On the one year anniversary of this day God knew exactly what we needed to survive. We spent that day counting contractions and wondering if this was the day our Trent would join us...he ended up waiting another week.
I look at Trent and realize that he would not be here if our angel baby had survived and I can't imagine a world without our Trent, but I still wonder what that child would be... a boy? a girl? Would he or she look like me or Ryan? What would their voice sound like?
The loss of that unique person left a void in my life and nothing will ever replace my child. When people ask me how many children I have I always say 4 boys, but I instantly think of my 5th child.
This day comes every year and every year I'm sad for our loss of knowing this child on earth. I know that God has a reason for everything and that one day I will meet my child in heaven. I have to remember my children are GOD's children and GOD's home is the home I want us all to be together in someday...so for now we wait to meet our angel baby.
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you."-Jeremiah 1:5